I don't like pain

My stomach was in an uproar last Sunday, during Divine Liturgy. I had been taking various painkillers to try to deal with a problem that was originating in my shoulder and causing numbness in my thumb. (I'm now wearing a neck brace when I type!) I had taken an aspirin for a headache on Saturday night and, even though my stomach had not been empty at the time, the emptiness in the morning (okay, I confess, along with a caffeine pill) was causing searing pain throughout the service. I thought that once I ate I would be fine, but I wasn't. The pain continued throughout the week and I consulted WebMD and Mayo Clinic and realized I had an ulcer. I had some famotidine tables in my medicine cabinet, which happened to be what the sites said could bring healing to an ulcer. (So it should not be such a surprise to me, with my previous experiences with GERD, that I would get an ulcer.) All of this is probably TMI and not really the point. My reason for blogging about this is my realization that so much of my sense of joy in worship is connected to my feeling good in my body. This is why I have such a hard time understanding the saints who mistreat themselves so much: how did they manage? When I feel unwell, I don't feel much like praising. I will admit also I was afraid. What if it was cancer? This shows me how much more I need to pray to strengthen myself for the time that is sure to come when I am tested and I am not granted the great blessings I experience now, in my sense of God's presence.

But I am not giving up fasting! I am giving up painkillers. And taking up  drinking licorice tea with honey. That, along with the medicine, is helping, but I was too weak (and Mr. Crackles was too busy monitoring me) for me to try fasting this morning, so it was the first time since my Chrismation that I have been to the Divine Liturgy and not partaken of communion. I did feel a bit distanced... But fortunately, I was able to enjoy our end of summer picnic and we were blessed with lovely weather!