I would rather be reading. I just finished the last of Susan Howatch's Christian novels and when I read them even though I can see their literary flaws I am in totally addictive mode. Unlike the sugar coated Mitford books, these depict some pretty dark struggles that people go through. And unlike literary fiction their problems get solved. They have deliverances and come to terms with the demons from their past. Unlike real life?
Those clergy designated as wise come out with lengthy explanations, such as the following:
"But let me merely say that St. Paul didn't think resurrection involved the flesh. It all depends how you define 'body' and in this case the word 'body' is probably a codeword for the whole person, a pattern produced by a certain mind, spirit and body all working together. This pattern--a pattern of information you could call it--would be capable of being lifted from its original context and replayed in another environment. Like written music which gets to be played in the concert hall" (Heartbreaker 424).
It's an interesting way to come to a workable understanding of resurrection, though I'm not sure its quite orthodox.
Then there's also the insight from Gavin, the former prostitute's, point of view:
"I'm seeing us all as victims who got mown down in one of God's messier creative splurges and mangled by the splurge's dark vile bits, the bits which haven't yet come right. But I know now that God's not just out there lolling idly in front of his canvas. He's in a muck sweat, painting away to save the picture, and although my family was blasted apart by the thwack of the creative process, the creator himself can't rest until he's brought us into the right pattern" (447) .
This image does reflect the character, who is just coming to terms with the idea that there is a caring God, but I do feel somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of God's creativity being out of control… though the world does seem to testify to that…
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Splanations requested
I'm sure most of you have seen them, the mossy phoebe's nests that are built in the eaves of houses. I have googled and googled and cannot find an explanation for why they always build them right over the door. At my house, for instance, there is an extended expanse of eave with all the same features as the spot above the door, with the advantage of there not being a door there. And yet, they always seem to choose the spot through which humans and cats come and go. Why?
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Derby Day
Why do I always try to watch the Kentucky Derby, donning a silly hat and drinking something that resembles a mint julep? I don't have much to do with horses the rest of the year. I'm carrying on a tradition that for me dates back to the 80s. Back in my NYC days, a guy I was enamored of made a big to do about the Derby, having people over for real juleps and walking them over to the nearby OTB to place bets. It was fun, and perhaps its just my way of holding on to some good times from my twenties that I watch the race. My husband and I turn on the tv and place pretend bets: he went for the favorite (boring!, says I) and I went for the filly (break that glass ceiling baby!). We're good! If I'd bet her to win place or show I would have won something, and so would he. But then there came the equine ambulance and they said that Eight Belles broke both her ankles and was euthanized in less time than it took to run the race. Unlike other sporting events involving injured humans, they had the decency not to show the fallen animal, but it was hard to watch the exultation of the winners, knowing that this beautiful creature was dead. Dead because she was overbred to the point of such fragility she couldn't manage to do the thing they had bred her to do, and yet they asked her to anyway. I felt dirty for watching. "If I had won real money," I said, "I'd give it all to the Humane Society." Sad.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Problems with intelligent theologians as church leaders
Well, first the Pope made a muck of things with a misunderstood comment that got the Muslim community upset. Now the Archbishop of Canterbury has the other team's knickers in a knot. The first I'd heard of it was while driving and listening to right wing talk show host Jay Severin saying that the AB had recommended applying sharia in Britain. And that is the dumbed down version that has been making the rounds despite the fact that about the first twenty paragraphs of the AB's speech explains that sharia and the legal system of the country could not be placed in equivalency and should not be placed in opposition. (And Severin claims he is speaking to the "best and brightest" convincing them of such by frequent use of the word "aforementioned" which their other neanderthal friends can't pronounce.)
I find it interesting that, to make his point, the AB frequently uses the analogy of the Orthodox Jewish community within the larger British community. It's ironic, because the only English Jews I know finally had enough of polite English anti-semitism and in the 80s chose to move to Israel where they simply had to dodge rocket fire every so often. I also wonder whether the Orthodox Jewish community ever was the cause of any unrest within the nation. I don't recall ever hearing of their trying to stone any adulteresses in the last couple thousand years, but I guess they've had more time to get used to living in nations where their laws are not the laws of the land. Though I think in many ways the Jews simply didn't fight for their "rights" such as, (as in his example) not to handle a Bible in the course of their sales job. They were a minority and didn't expect concessions. Things have changed. As a minority becomes a significant portion of society, obviously, the balance starts to shift, and if the society as we have known it is to be salvaged, there has to be some way to take the religious views into account.
The questions the AB poses also apply to how a Christian viewpoint is to be incorporated into a secular society such as that of the U.S.. For example does the Christian view of marriage define what marriage is for everyone? Many Americans seem to think so. But the justification for this, based in the historical idea that marriage only existed thanks to the religious tradition, does not seem sufficient when there are people with other beliefes who want to participate in other kinds of marriages. So why don't the conservatives like what the AB is saying, when he is trying to figure out how there can be a place for religious ideas in our mutual society. This example of marriage demonstrates that the demarcation between church and state has never been as absolute as some would imagine and wish it to be.
Please read the full text of the Archbishop's lecture and judge for yourself:
http://www.archbishopofcanterbury.org/1575
I find it interesting that, to make his point, the AB frequently uses the analogy of the Orthodox Jewish community within the larger British community. It's ironic, because the only English Jews I know finally had enough of polite English anti-semitism and in the 80s chose to move to Israel where they simply had to dodge rocket fire every so often. I also wonder whether the Orthodox Jewish community ever was the cause of any unrest within the nation. I don't recall ever hearing of their trying to stone any adulteresses in the last couple thousand years, but I guess they've had more time to get used to living in nations where their laws are not the laws of the land. Though I think in many ways the Jews simply didn't fight for their "rights" such as, (as in his example) not to handle a Bible in the course of their sales job. They were a minority and didn't expect concessions. Things have changed. As a minority becomes a significant portion of society, obviously, the balance starts to shift, and if the society as we have known it is to be salvaged, there has to be some way to take the religious views into account.
The questions the AB poses also apply to how a Christian viewpoint is to be incorporated into a secular society such as that of the U.S.. For example does the Christian view of marriage define what marriage is for everyone? Many Americans seem to think so. But the justification for this, based in the historical idea that marriage only existed thanks to the religious tradition, does not seem sufficient when there are people with other beliefes who want to participate in other kinds of marriages. So why don't the conservatives like what the AB is saying, when he is trying to figure out how there can be a place for religious ideas in our mutual society. This example of marriage demonstrates that the demarcation between church and state has never been as absolute as some would imagine and wish it to be.
Please read the full text of the Archbishop's lecture and judge for yourself:
http://www.archbishopofcanterbury.org/1575
Friday, February 01, 2008
2 years and 3000 words short
But I have done it! The first draft of the novel I began for NANO (was it two, or even three?) years ago is finished.
In many ways it is more of a plot outline, needing embellishment.
But it is something!
In many ways it is more of a plot outline, needing embellishment.
But it is something!
Monday, January 28, 2008
On the impossibility of running a church
A nice older lady from the church asked me the other day, "I hope you felt appreciated as the parish administrator. You did such a good job." I thanked her and said I did. Many people did compliment me on the quality of the church's publications. Of course there were those who nagged and nudged, feeling the web site was never quite trendy enough, but I wouldn't say over all that it was lack of appreciation that caused me to leave. Rather, it was lack of authority.
Authority is a closely related sibling: because if people appreciated the fact that I alone had an overview of the church's operations on both the physical and spiritual levels, they would have LISTENED TO ME! And yes, they would have paid me more than a quarter of the Rector's salary (remuneration being yet another sibling --one kept in a closet--of appreciation). But this disparity in wages is indicative of the systemic view which ultimately will cause the organization to collapse.
It is currently imploding, as the Rector hired someone completely incompetent to replace me. It's gotten so bad, they have called in a consultant. I hope, if she is not getting paid a flat fee, but by the hour, that someone suggests she talk to me. It'll save her A LOT of time. But what can the hired help know?
My husband suggests that the Rector, and perhaps the community, actually prefer having someone incompetent in that position, because that justifies their sense of superiority and the way their values are shown through the budget. First, you get clergy who have been to prep school and elite colleges. Then you send them to seminary where they learn all kinds of interesting critical theories about religion and NOTHING about organizational management, thereby reinforcing the idea that such things are mere details and not worthy of the spiritual giants that all the ordained must be. Then you wonder why the structure is in chaos, the Rector is tearing out his hair and falling asleep in meetings. The solution is to respect (not just appreciate) those with the gifts of administration. Give them power and authority equivalent to that of the clergy (or merely a step below, not a grand canyon below). But classism seems to be so built in to the structure of the Episcopal Church that it is the comfy log they keep in their own eye that feels so much nicer when they worry about injustice somewhere across the seas.
Authority is a closely related sibling: because if people appreciated the fact that I alone had an overview of the church's operations on both the physical and spiritual levels, they would have LISTENED TO ME! And yes, they would have paid me more than a quarter of the Rector's salary (remuneration being yet another sibling --one kept in a closet--of appreciation). But this disparity in wages is indicative of the systemic view which ultimately will cause the organization to collapse.
It is currently imploding, as the Rector hired someone completely incompetent to replace me. It's gotten so bad, they have called in a consultant. I hope, if she is not getting paid a flat fee, but by the hour, that someone suggests she talk to me. It'll save her A LOT of time. But what can the hired help know?
My husband suggests that the Rector, and perhaps the community, actually prefer having someone incompetent in that position, because that justifies their sense of superiority and the way their values are shown through the budget. First, you get clergy who have been to prep school and elite colleges. Then you send them to seminary where they learn all kinds of interesting critical theories about religion and NOTHING about organizational management, thereby reinforcing the idea that such things are mere details and not worthy of the spiritual giants that all the ordained must be. Then you wonder why the structure is in chaos, the Rector is tearing out his hair and falling asleep in meetings. The solution is to respect (not just appreciate) those with the gifts of administration. Give them power and authority equivalent to that of the clergy (or merely a step below, not a grand canyon below). But classism seems to be so built in to the structure of the Episcopal Church that it is the comfy log they keep in their own eye that feels so much nicer when they worry about injustice somewhere across the seas.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Today's ski report
Run, hide, go back to your cubbies... The fact that I am writing this ski report, from the lodge, is indication enough that conditions are abysmal! Not just wet, but wet and icy! One minute, your sinking into mush, the next you are skidding across the surface. One run was enough for me. Naturally, the husband is still out there, though even he admitted that Sunset should be closed and was death defying.
I'm dry now and putting some time into the novel. Someday it will get done. There's just so much exposition that awkardly needs to be inserted when your two main characters leap ahead in time five years.
I'm dry now and putting some time into the novel. Someday it will get done. There's just so much exposition that awkardly needs to be inserted when your two main characters leap ahead in time five years.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Why does "utilize" exist?
Is there ever a situation in which the word "utilize" would express a nuance of meaning that could not be conveyed by "use?" If you know of such a case, please let me know. And if not, can you explain why the word "utilize" came to exist, if not merely for the purpose of giving people more useless syllables to say?
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Speaking of Martyrs
For those of us who follow the Daily Office lectionary the days after Christmas can be very confusing. Where are the readings? See page 922 of the Book of Common Prayer for the three Holy Days that occur in this interval.
They are a great relief. After all the sugary sweetness we worked ourselves up into thinking of babies, babies, babies (hope, renewal, yes they are cute, hope, yes we love babies) we can stop stretching the hope muscles for a bit and return to the world as we know it. The first thing that happens after the birth, liturgically, is Stephen gets himself stoned. John, whom we commemorate today, we are told by James Kiefer is "a martyr in will but not in deed." And of course tomorrow there are more babies: dead babies.
We received the good news of a great joy. Now get marching. It begins.
They are a great relief. After all the sugary sweetness we worked ourselves up into thinking of babies, babies, babies (hope, renewal, yes they are cute, hope, yes we love babies) we can stop stretching the hope muscles for a bit and return to the world as we know it. The first thing that happens after the birth, liturgically, is Stephen gets himself stoned. John, whom we commemorate today, we are told by James Kiefer is "a martyr in will but not in deed." And of course tomorrow there are more babies: dead babies.
We received the good news of a great joy. Now get marching. It begins.
Martyrs
What a heroic woman was Benazir Bhutto. What a loss to the forces of moderation and sanity in this world. For those of us for whom the assassination of JKF remains the early primal trauma memory, such attacks are always painful to hear about.
I taught a short memoir called "American History" by Judith Cofer in this last semester. It is a narrative of a young girl's private trauma on that fateful November day in 1963 when America lost its innocence. Of course, every generation must lose its own innocence anew, a fact that I realized when I read my students' responses to this piece. Without an exception, they all wrote about how this story reminded them of the day that will live forever in their minds: 9/11. They all described where they were and what happened. Some schools kept it in secret, sending them home at the end of the day to let their parents explain. Others gathered in assemblies. Perhaps they'd already had these discussions with their parents, and realized the connection before they read the piece, since the point of the piece is that while Cofer will always remember that the day on which she faced racism and classism head on is the day of the assassination, it is the former which is significant.
I taught a short memoir called "American History" by Judith Cofer in this last semester. It is a narrative of a young girl's private trauma on that fateful November day in 1963 when America lost its innocence. Of course, every generation must lose its own innocence anew, a fact that I realized when I read my students' responses to this piece. Without an exception, they all wrote about how this story reminded them of the day that will live forever in their minds: 9/11. They all described where they were and what happened. Some schools kept it in secret, sending them home at the end of the day to let their parents explain. Others gathered in assemblies. Perhaps they'd already had these discussions with their parents, and realized the connection before they read the piece, since the point of the piece is that while Cofer will always remember that the day on which she faced racism and classism head on is the day of the assassination, it is the former which is significant.
Friday, December 14, 2007
more crumbles
I picked up an old copy of Imprimis, the newsletter that my father had received, which now comes to me, from the conservative Hillsdale College. The article, written by a reputable environmental scientist, questions whether global warming is really this crisis brought on by our sins or just a natural ebb and flow of planetary change: http://www.hillsdale.edu/news/imprimis/archive/issue.asp?year=2007&month=08 . It brought into focus many of the concerns that have troubled me. Let's face it. First of, I am troubled by fanaticism. And when I see people freezing their butts off trying to prove that it's getting warmer against all evidence to the contrary (see "Silly Priest tricks" below) I can only name it that. I can only see that those who have been raised in intellectualism and liberalism, when they find faith, cannot act it out by simply battling the sin in their own hearts, but must continue to see some evil empire bringing about destruction. They cannot call it Satan or end times, because that is what the right-wingers do, but they feel it all the same: the doom. What both teams forget is that the doom has always been looming, just as it does now. See Matthew 24, please. We hate change and we want to stop it. We are pathetic. Now that I no longer have to hold the positions of the church I will say it: the emperor has no clothes! I never saw the point in this whole "carbon exchange" idea and this article explains to me that my lack of understanding was not my fault but that it, in fact, makes no sense. Aah. I feel much better now. My dad was right about a lot of stuff, including the idea that the Nobel prize committee folks are by no means a neutral body and that their awards are simply the liberal awards, not some kind of world wide acclamation. Another idol falls. Clunk.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Jail
I had a lengthy dream last night about being in jail. It must have been minimum security, because everyone was wandering around these halls and rooms all the time. The bullies were allowed to do their thing and there were no guards or anyone in charge. Everyone was there. Young girls I knew as well as tough guys with their pants hanging down. There was a library. I went over to look at a big coffee table book on how to withstand torture (the cover was a photo of a guy sitting cooly with a gun pointed at his head) but when I got there it had disappeared. The treasurer from the church walked by. Was he in there too? Then a new load of inmates was coming in, and someone commented because they really should have bought more books in Spanish. None of these people spoke English.
I only mention this dream because when I woke up and came to my computer, the message of the day I get from http://shalomplace.com/seed was the following:
A prison cell, in which one waits, hopes - and is completely
dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened
from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent"
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I only mention this dream because when I woke up and came to my computer, the message of the day I get from http://shalomplace.com/seed was the following:
A prison cell, in which one waits, hopes - and is completely
dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened
from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent"
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Monday, December 10, 2007
Disgruntled update
It looks like I will only be furloughed for the winter session, which is all right with me. I will really really really finish the first Nano novel in that time.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Disgruntled
So I thought to myself, now that I'm quitting St. J's, and depending on my teaching jobs, those will probably dry up. Sure enough, I had ignored a couple emails from the online diploma mill where I teach, and then the other day I get this friendly, nearly incoherent email:
Adjuncts,
This email is to clarify that I have received any documents from you concerning your Diploma Mill Inc. 2006 PPAR. Despite my attempts to remind you and contact you, we are now forced to inactivate you in our system. This will prevent you from being offered any courses through Diploma Mill Inc.
If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me.
I hate those "dear Adjuncts" letters. (PPAR is some acronym for a form we have to fill out telling them what a great job we have been doing. I made the mistake of prioritizing responding to my students.) I would think this was a conspiracy to get rid of those who were going on their second year... if there was any associated pay increase. Which there isn't! There are no incentives for work well done. Only threats and now this. I think I've been fired! Readers, have you ever heard of a job that treats anyone this poorly? (And yes, there is a key word missing in that first sentence above--only the names have been changed, though someday soon, I may out them.)
Adjuncts,
This email is to clarify that I have received any documents from you concerning your Diploma Mill Inc. 2006 PPAR. Despite my attempts to remind you and contact you, we are now forced to inactivate you in our system. This will prevent you from being offered any courses through Diploma Mill Inc.
If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me.
I hate those "dear Adjuncts" letters. (PPAR is some acronym for a form we have to fill out telling them what a great job we have been doing. I made the mistake of prioritizing responding to my students.) I would think this was a conspiracy to get rid of those who were going on their second year... if there was any associated pay increase. Which there isn't! There are no incentives for work well done. Only threats and now this. I think I've been fired! Readers, have you ever heard of a job that treats anyone this poorly? (And yes, there is a key word missing in that first sentence above--only the names have been changed, though someday soon, I may out them.)
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
On the Road
I am getting tons of my father's mail still. The newsletter from the Society of the Silurians, the organization to which my father had belonged and carried its card as his photo i.d., and which I never had any idea what it even was until this newsletter arrived (the oldest American association of veteran journalists--funny how it was so important to my father to retain that affiliation--is it for journalists who were also veterans, or just oldtimer journalists?), tells me that the NYPublic Library is displaying the actual original scroll of On The Road. http://www.nypl.org/press/2007/Beatific_exhibition.cfm They explain that Kerouac's manuscript was in his agent's vault all these years and was auctioned in 2001, bought by the owner of the Colts (who we had just watched lose a game to the Patriots!) and now, on the 50th anniversary of the publication of On The Road it is revealed for the world to see. The article by Patrick Fenton noted how in the 80s Kerouac's books weren't selling well. I suppose that coincides with the height of political correctness/identity politics in academia and other realms of literary awareness, which cringed at his misogyny, occasional eruptions of anti-Semitism and objectivizing views of racial minorities. I cringed a bit at them when I re-read the book about 10 years ago (in the 90s, listening to it on tape) and wondered how all those elements were unnoticed, unnoticeable to me, the female teen who adored this man, turning him into my mystical, mythical big brother, my patron saint accompanying me on my drunken rampages across campus my freshman year, when I was writing my freshman studies thesis on his journey "from Catholicism to Buddhism and back." While identity politics still reigns in academia and the few available American lit openings are for specialists in African-American or ethnic studies, the public ethos has shifted, and Kerouac's impassioned quest for freedom sings to our hearts once again. (Perhaps as the road shuts down and we start to recognize we must stop driving or die.) Now we are able to bracket and historicize his attitudes. The exhibition's section on jazz commented on his fault of primitivizing the African American musical ability, while still acknowledging his deep appreciation and love for their music. The one does not cancel out the other. We have learned to hold the contradictions. They can be quite shocking (he says at one point that Pound may be right about the Jews). The venom that comes out of him at times indicates a true paranoia (probably brought on by drug use, though also clearly inherited from his mother who hated his friends, particularly the Jew, Ginsberg) and at other times he sees how as exiled French-Canadians, his family is like the Jews and others outside American culture, trying to assimilate. But above all, there it was, the scroll, some of it to be seen in a 20-foot-long glass case that ended at a wall with the Robert Frank photo of a highway blown up, the scroll merging into the stripe on the highway. Excellent presentation. But the lights are dim and there are no chairs, so one cannot really try to read, just glance at some representative sections, see the typing and the cross outs (added later; the notes say). I will have to buy the exhibition book (ordering it at some later time, since it would be too heavy to carry on our NYC meanderings). Got the t-shirt, though.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
It's almost over
On Monday after the previous post, I did apologize to the Rector for overstepping my bounds. He shrugged, didn't act like it was any big deal. In fact, I heard that the need for simplicity had made its way into his sermon (I was afraid to go to church). Despite the fact that we were now back to our friendly relationship, I told him I could not continue in this indefinite state of continuing to work for 12 hours a week, because there just is no way to limit myself (the demands don't let up) and I'm tearing my hair out. The fact that the committee is only just issuing a classified ad is not encouraging. As long as I am there, the situation will continue. So I'm done. All Souls' Day--last day... so scary.
But today I am at my teaching job, having not worked at St. Jonah's this morning (went in yesterday) and wow, does my life feel better. I think this will be okay.
So long as the husband doesn't have a meltdown from the pressure he is facing.... Staying up all those nights to watch the Sox was not really good for our energy levels. I guess you can say we are recovering.
I will take my parting cue from Schilling's courteous wave of the hat. What a gentleman. Or perhaps I should dance the Papelbon jig!
But today I am at my teaching job, having not worked at St. Jonah's this morning (went in yesterday) and wow, does my life feel better. I think this will be okay.
So long as the husband doesn't have a meltdown from the pressure he is facing.... Staying up all those nights to watch the Sox was not really good for our energy levels. I guess you can say we are recovering.
I will take my parting cue from Schilling's courteous wave of the hat. What a gentleman. Or perhaps I should dance the Papelbon jig!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Outta here
I managed to wait until the Rector had been back from his Sabbatical for a week before entering his office and telling him I needed to move on. I think I worked here four years. It is finished. In order to allow them time to replace me, I am continuing at 12 hours a week for a while, but I can no longer manage juggling 30 hours a week at St. Jonah's with my online and live adjunct teaching.
The soundtrack for my life now consists of a battle between R.E.Ms "Losing my Religion" and A3's "[Not] Too Sick to Pray." I'm not sure I see the point in going to church anymore. I can receive teaching from books; I can pray alone. I am no longer sure of the validity of the Sacrament in my church, and how can I go to the other church, which has so abused its young, even if their leader does proclaim the truth? So fellowship? But all that seems to be at St. Jonah's and other churches is frantic busyness.
The Rector and I have little time to talk, now that I am on reduced hours, and as this morning was when he would be meeting with the newly convened human resource committee, I wanted to make some suggestions to him, so I kind of grabbed him as he was on his way out to go make good on the service he had sold at the services auction, more chain sawing. I should just accept the fact spoken loudly through the omission of any request on the part of anyone for an exit interview or from any input on me, the fact that no one wants my opinion. The way the vestry minutes read "we want our next Parish Administrator to not be a parishioner and to want to make this job a career goal" makes it sound as if there is no issue of burn out, of the job's forever no-win situation, and that it is all simply because I was not right for the job. Of course, most parishioners who have gotten the news have expressed their regret and their worry of what will happen without me. But the Vestry is, I see now, very complicit in the systemic dysfunction
So I mentioned to The Rector about how the previously tabled question of human support for parish hall rentals had come up again, and should be considered at the meeting. That was okay, that was within bounds. And then I more or less confronted him by saying "It seems like the Vestry got the idea that I was leaving for a better job. People have been congratulating me, but that is really not the case. I may not have any job at all next semester." I did not say how painful it was to be congratulated under false pretenses, with the perpetual uncertainty of being an adjunct hanging over my head. I did not directly say "did you tell them this?" but he did directly say that he told them there was an issue of burnout. I said I was glad, because you wanted whoever took over to be able to do this job and not leave. (How, I wonder, will anyone who is not a believer want to make the sacrifice of submission--do a job that would be better paid in the business world? How would a believer from some other denomination be able to put up with the nonsense? There are really not many people that I can imagine, but perhaps that is merely a sign of my burnout.) I then went on to mention how I had been looking at this book called "Simple Church" which criticized the program model and seemed to suggest that one needed a simple overview focus. And though the book didn't really seem to say anything earth-shattering, I thought its critique was useful: the danger of a program church is focusing on each specific program and losing sight of the simple whole. So I kept saying that what really needs to get fixed was systemic. I don't think I had entirely lost him there, but then I went on to tell him about the woman I met at a yoga class, who actually continues to support us financially, but never comes to church because it is so busy and chaotic. But I think the crushing blow was when I said, "I hear from lots of people who have no part of the whole Creativity thing. They don't know what's going on with it and they don't care."
"Are you done, now?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, and he swept out of my office. It is hard to recall that he was wearing his chain sawing clothes (jeans and a flannel church). There was such a feeling of the wind as he swept away, I can only remember it as a cassock swooping out.
It is true, back when they were writing the grant proposal, I helped them polish it up. By the time it came to me, it was far too gone in the process (a day or two before deadline) for me to challenge the idea itself, so I never said what I thought "this is the opposite of what St. Jonah's needs." It is just another chance to be busy and to shift the focus away from the Lord. Yes, I'm sure for the spiritually and creatively advanced people this effort be a work of spiritual adoration. For most of the parish it's more busyness. For me, it's more work. I knew, when I heard it, I'd commit to seeing them through it to the Rector's return and that would be it. Despite the fact that my only crime was speaking my truth, I of course, feel terrible. It has been my job to support and help the Rector, to maybe help him with small tweaks of the problems, not to ever say "you are on the wrong path." Perhaps the words from this Sunday's passage had influenced me, despite the fact that I hardly notice anymore what I am putting into the bulletin. "In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I solemnly urge you: proclaim the message; be persistent whether the time is favorable or unfavorable; convince, rebuke, and encourage, with the utmost patience in teaching. For the time is coming when people will not put up with sound doctrine, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own desires, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander away to myths. As for you, always be sober, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, carry out your ministry fully." (2 Tim 4) I will have to stand in this pain. I have no priest to turn to now.
The other day I had an inspiration and wrote down the thoughts I would like to write to the parish, in the newsletter, so that I can take control of the announcement of my departure. Now I am not sure I even want to bother, to give it a holy spin. Let it be the inkblot onto which they can project either their defenses or their awareness of the truth.
Here's what I wrote with pen.
I hope to be able to make time to pray, and to rediscover my own creative talents. While the Rector's time of re-entry may seem an unfortunate time for me to launch, it can also be a good time for a fresh start and for reconfiguring the structures which support St. Jonah's. I bid you to continue to tap into the creative energies which have been kindled and apply them to the question of our human structure and use of resources, so that the major burden of holding up the sky does not fall solely on clergy and staff. While it is likely that in a college community, we may have more prophets than helpers and administrators (see 1 Corinthians 13:28), I have to believe that St. Paul's vision of the loving body of Christ can be fulfilled in us. That even here, we have members who have received all the gifts necessary to create a vibrant life together that exalts Christ. I pray that it be so.
Should I bother?
The soundtrack for my life now consists of a battle between R.E.Ms "Losing my Religion" and A3's "[Not] Too Sick to Pray." I'm not sure I see the point in going to church anymore. I can receive teaching from books; I can pray alone. I am no longer sure of the validity of the Sacrament in my church, and how can I go to the other church, which has so abused its young, even if their leader does proclaim the truth? So fellowship? But all that seems to be at St. Jonah's and other churches is frantic busyness.
The Rector and I have little time to talk, now that I am on reduced hours, and as this morning was when he would be meeting with the newly convened human resource committee, I wanted to make some suggestions to him, so I kind of grabbed him as he was on his way out to go make good on the service he had sold at the services auction, more chain sawing. I should just accept the fact spoken loudly through the omission of any request on the part of anyone for an exit interview or from any input on me, the fact that no one wants my opinion. The way the vestry minutes read "we want our next Parish Administrator to not be a parishioner and to want to make this job a career goal" makes it sound as if there is no issue of burn out, of the job's forever no-win situation, and that it is all simply because I was not right for the job. Of course, most parishioners who have gotten the news have expressed their regret and their worry of what will happen without me. But the Vestry is, I see now, very complicit in the systemic dysfunction
So I mentioned to The Rector about how the previously tabled question of human support for parish hall rentals had come up again, and should be considered at the meeting. That was okay, that was within bounds. And then I more or less confronted him by saying "It seems like the Vestry got the idea that I was leaving for a better job. People have been congratulating me, but that is really not the case. I may not have any job at all next semester." I did not say how painful it was to be congratulated under false pretenses, with the perpetual uncertainty of being an adjunct hanging over my head. I did not directly say "did you tell them this?" but he did directly say that he told them there was an issue of burnout. I said I was glad, because you wanted whoever took over to be able to do this job and not leave. (How, I wonder, will anyone who is not a believer want to make the sacrifice of submission--do a job that would be better paid in the business world? How would a believer from some other denomination be able to put up with the nonsense? There are really not many people that I can imagine, but perhaps that is merely a sign of my burnout.) I then went on to mention how I had been looking at this book called "Simple Church" which criticized the program model and seemed to suggest that one needed a simple overview focus. And though the book didn't really seem to say anything earth-shattering, I thought its critique was useful: the danger of a program church is focusing on each specific program and losing sight of the simple whole. So I kept saying that what really needs to get fixed was systemic. I don't think I had entirely lost him there, but then I went on to tell him about the woman I met at a yoga class, who actually continues to support us financially, but never comes to church because it is so busy and chaotic. But I think the crushing blow was when I said, "I hear from lots of people who have no part of the whole Creativity thing. They don't know what's going on with it and they don't care."
"Are you done, now?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, and he swept out of my office. It is hard to recall that he was wearing his chain sawing clothes (jeans and a flannel church). There was such a feeling of the wind as he swept away, I can only remember it as a cassock swooping out.
It is true, back when they were writing the grant proposal, I helped them polish it up. By the time it came to me, it was far too gone in the process (a day or two before deadline) for me to challenge the idea itself, so I never said what I thought "this is the opposite of what St. Jonah's needs." It is just another chance to be busy and to shift the focus away from the Lord. Yes, I'm sure for the spiritually and creatively advanced people this effort be a work of spiritual adoration. For most of the parish it's more busyness. For me, it's more work. I knew, when I heard it, I'd commit to seeing them through it to the Rector's return and that would be it. Despite the fact that my only crime was speaking my truth, I of course, feel terrible. It has been my job to support and help the Rector, to maybe help him with small tweaks of the problems, not to ever say "you are on the wrong path." Perhaps the words from this Sunday's passage had influenced me, despite the fact that I hardly notice anymore what I am putting into the bulletin. "In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I solemnly urge you: proclaim the message; be persistent whether the time is favorable or unfavorable; convince, rebuke, and encourage, with the utmost patience in teaching. For the time is coming when people will not put up with sound doctrine, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own desires, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander away to myths. As for you, always be sober, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, carry out your ministry fully." (2 Tim 4) I will have to stand in this pain. I have no priest to turn to now.
The other day I had an inspiration and wrote down the thoughts I would like to write to the parish, in the newsletter, so that I can take control of the announcement of my departure. Now I am not sure I even want to bother, to give it a holy spin. Let it be the inkblot onto which they can project either their defenses or their awareness of the truth.
Here's what I wrote with pen.
I hope to be able to make time to pray, and to rediscover my own creative talents. While the Rector's time of re-entry may seem an unfortunate time for me to launch, it can also be a good time for a fresh start and for reconfiguring the structures which support St. Jonah's. I bid you to continue to tap into the creative energies which have been kindled and apply them to the question of our human structure and use of resources, so that the major burden of holding up the sky does not fall solely on clergy and staff. While it is likely that in a college community, we may have more prophets than helpers and administrators (see 1 Corinthians 13:28), I have to believe that St. Paul's vision of the loving body of Christ can be fulfilled in us. That even here, we have members who have received all the gifts necessary to create a vibrant life together that exalts Christ. I pray that it be so.
Should I bother?
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